I’ve talked about the best, now it’s time to snap on that rubber glove and dig around the U-bend for the worst…

An American Werewolf in Paris

Also one of the most unnecessary sequels of all time. It aims to incorporate many familiar elements of the first and misfires at every turn. The most grievous offense: Replacing Rick Baker’s groundbreaking practical effects transformations with less convincing CG than your average Playstation one game.

Halloween: Resurrection

H20 was a decent effort to wrap the series up. Pretty much ignoring Halloween 2-6, it restored Michael Myers to his original incarnation and provided an epic showdown between he and Neme-sis Laurie Strode which I found personally satisfying. Then came “Resurrection” to piss on all that good work with the worst piece of retconning ever, only to go ahead and retread the same old ground afterward. The lowest moment of this feature (and possibly any horror franchise ever) comes when the seemingly unstoppable Myers is Kung Fu kicked to death by a one liner spouting Busta Rhymes. Oh the indignity.

The Exorcist 2: The Heretic

Q, How do you follow one of the greatest horror films of all time?

A, Make the most incoherent horror film of all time.

Before and since filming, Director John Boorman (Deliverance) has made several comments betraying his contempt of the original (which he thankfully turned down the chance to direct) but he really shows it with the product he put up on screen under its name..

Lost Boys: The Tribe

They had twenty years to come up with a story and they gave us surfing vampires. Sounds like fun though right? Like something Troma might make. But it isn’t fun, at all, A quick glance at the cast should’ve served as warning enough-Tad Hilgenbrink? Angus Sutherland? Even wheeling out original Frog brother Corey Feldman fails to conjure the goodwill needed to slog through all 92 minutes. I only made it to 47.

American Psycho 2: All American Girl

I have to admit, I’ve never actually seen this, but I don’t think I really have to in order to know that it’s terrible. The fact it has absolutely nothing to do with the brilliantly funny original, or the far more disturbing, yet no less funny, source material says it all: It’s just a title tacked on to some bottom shelf straight to dvd crap in an attempt to cash in on the original’s cult success. Here Patrick Bateman is dead apparently and in place of Christian Bale’s iconic yuppie maniac we get Mila Kunis murdering her way through college, or something. No thanks.

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Easily the dumbest and campest of the series with Looney Tunes style slapstick, a Wizard of Oz parody, the shameless Nintendo plug, the Johnny Depp cameo, Rosanne Barr? and a pointlessly 3D death scene for the titular character which isn’t any more definitive than the other five times we’ve already seen him die.

And it didn’t stop him coming back again anyway.

Nice touch having Alice Cooper as Freddy’s Dad though.

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3

It was a toss up between this and TCM: The Next Generation (though I haven’t seen the most recent offering, otherwise I’m sure that’d be a contender) but I give it to this largely because it’s so stupid: See Leatherface repeatedly spell “Food” on a children’s toy when it asks him to spell “clown”, see an 80 pound chainsaw somehow float in water and continue running, see a human ear get blown clean off by rifle shot and land intact on a hot stove, see Ken Foree survive a chainsaw to the head because test audiences like his character, and see set pieces from the first recreated poorly-again. Even Viggo Mortensen can’t save this.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

Much like Myers getting his ass handed to him by a cartoonish rapper, I always felt Jason got a poor sendoff in the inaccurately titled “The Final Chapter”, where he was hacked to death by ickle Corey Feldman (him again?). It was an outcome which led to a new killer (yawn) assuming Jason’s mantle with a motive similar to Pamela Voorhees’ in the original. At least we got the series’ arguable high point “Jason Lives” as a result of the backlash and the first on screen kill by Mark Venturini (Suicide from ROTLD) is unintentionally hilarious.

Check it out-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoZDSctyBE0

Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf

A movie so bad that Christopher Lee actually apologized to the original’s director (Joe Dante) for appearing in it.

Hellraiser: Revelations

Like others mentioned here this franchise had seen some low points (Bloodline, Deader) and some very low points (Hellworld) but this lifeless little effort really buried the bar. Said to have been thrown together at the last minute so that Dimension films could retain the rights to the property, It’s still no excuse.They didn’t even get Doug Bradley in.

And on his name being tenuously attached, Clive Barker offered this shining endorsement “ I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKING CHILD OF MINE! I have NOTHING to do with the fucking thing. If they claim it’s from the mind of Clive Barker, it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole.”

What have we learned?

1. Never wait too long for a sequel, but don’t move too quickly either.
2. Don’t stray too far from the original, but don’t just halfheartedly recreate bits from it.
3. If you announce in the title that you’re going to kill off your monster then make it good and make it final.
4. Having a subtitle isn’t always necessary.
5. Just because you can make it doesn’t mean that you should.
6. And if you must make it at least have the decency to leave rappers, retcons and Corey Feldman out of it.

An American Werewolf in London Japanese Poster

A few favorites

Marie: I was sad, I was starved. It was time to treat myself. Then I thought - “What about… Italian!” 

Innocent Blood

“Can I have a piece of toast?”

An American Werewolf in London

Jack Goodman: ‘The Slaughtered Lamb?’ That’s kind of strange. Where’s the lamb?
David Kessler: Probably inside getting cold. Come on.
Jack Goodman: No, really. What kind of ad is that for a pub?
David Kessler: I don’t know. Would you rather the Hilton?

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Yes, “sacrilege” maybe, but I just found this version to be superior in so many ways. For a start the characters, there are much more of them and they’re far more interesting, likable, hatable, funny, quirky, sympathetic and layered. The Zombies are now fast (following the trend set by 28 days later) which provides much more intense chase and action sequences. The dialogue is memorable ” You can take your ass over to the Quality Inn if it’s still there, Shaq! ” the music is excellent - Jim Carroll’s “People who died”, Johnny Cash’s “The man comes around”, The Stereophonics “Have a nice day”, Richard Cheese doing Disturbed’s “the sickness”, the Disturbed doing the Disturbed’s “The sickness”, and most importantly the central message of the original remains intact. 

The Descent

My favorite British horror flick. Claustrophobic, intense, gory, thrilling. Another movie with a cast of memorable, and mostly likeable, characters in peril whose scares are all the more potent for it. The first half is shadowed by a looming dread, the second induces cold sweats and the third is all out carnage. I especially love that the whole group are capable individuals who don’t fall to pieces when things go more than a little awry. I’ve liked all of Neil Marshall’s efforts (Doomsday, Centurion, Dog Soldiers) and consider him something akin to a British John Carpenter, but this is his best work so far.

The Midnight Meat Train

The movie that made me love Clive Barker. I had seen most of the Hellraisers, enjoyed a couple of them, thought Candyman was pretty good, but never really got what all the fuss was about. I was too young I guess, too immature to appreciate the subtexts. Then I saw MMT which took me on a ride that I’m still on. After that I began reading Barker’s horror stories and novels, I collected up the Hellraiser comics and I even played one of his video games. Anyway I love the movie, Vinnie Jones is actually really good in it, and it will always hold a special place in my heart. The title says it all, it’s a vicious gore soaked, gem of a film and if you haven’t seen it I urge you to do so.

NOW.

Manhunter (last on my list so I went on a bit)

Overshadowed by its more theatrical follow up “Silence of the lambs” and diminished by its by-the-numbers remake “Red Dragon”, Michael Mann’s “Manhunter” really doesn’t get the attention it deserves as arguably the best Hannibal Lecter film.

Like Silence, it’s the pervading atmosphere which provides Manhunter its power, the constant tension and drip fed sense of dread-which in this adaptation is given a far more satisfying and explosive release through its climax than the admittedly more faithful Red Dragon. William Petersen has never been better than here as the talented Will Graham, haunted and frightened by the very gift which makes him a hero, his ability to understand a killer’s perspective. He’s an unpredictable, mumbling presence prone to explosive bouts of rage and impulsive behavior but he’s also a true hero for facing what he fears the most in the world (and in himself) in order to try and save others.

As much as I love Anthony Hopkins as Lecter, and in many other things, I think that Brian Cox’s version is superior. Cox imbues his “Lektor” with icy charm and british politeness, but also with a moral absence in his dead eyes and slack jaw. In his limited screen time he picks at Graham in a friendly and conversational way that hints at how disarming he may have been to his victims. Upon first viewing the exchange can be seen as perfectly civil, it’s only if you already understand Lecktor’s nature, or watch it again, that you can see the subtle game he’s playing, squeezing as much information out of Graham as possible with purely malicious motives in mind. 

Last but not least we have Tom Noonan’s killer “Dollarhyde”, a truly intimidating figure but also a tragic one whose history doesn’t need to be thrown in our faces; we can imagine some of what he might have been through (and be going through) based on Noonan’s performance-he doesn’t need to be arguing with an invisible Grandma for us to get it. In my opinion anything left out about Dollarhyde’s background and motives serves to enrich the film, since I feel the more obscure his behavior seems the more frightening he is. It’s better to learn about him from Graham’s perspective than have him arguing with the dead Grandma cliche.

Mahunter’s fine list of supporting characters includes Stephen Lang as a sleazy journalist, Joan Allen as the object of Dollarhyde’s affection, along with Dennis Farina turning down his motormouth delivery to the right side of convincing as FBI head Jack Crawford and Kim Greist as Graham’s long suffering wife. 

The plot is solid, with a lot of the flab trimmed from the novel and the action feels all the more violent and shocking for how infrequent it is. Although this is not necessarily a movie people love the first time, and I have to admit it’s taken me a few years to truly take to it, Manhunter is a claustrophobic classic with a twist of 80’s cool courtesy of Michael Mann, and post “Drive” I think it should find a whole new audience to appreciate its power.